SATIRE: Musk’s Acquisition of UNB

In another dubious financial decision, South African billionaire Elon Musk has announced his acquisition of the University of New Brunswick. The news comes on the heels of Musk’s Twitter takeover, which has been a generous display of his self-declared genius. 

In a press conference held this Wednesday, Musk announced an entire slew of innovative — and terrifying — plans for the Fredericton campus.

The most urgent of these plans, given the current circumstances, are aimed at UNB’s Computer Science students. By their third year, these aspiring engineers must complete two terms of indentured servitude in Twitter’s San Francisco HQ. 

“It is not that different from an unpaid internship,” argued one of Musk’s transition officials. “You get those three or six credits you are already paying for!” 

Experiential education, indeed. Absolutely not a Ponzi scheme.

UNB students, faculty, and staff are uncertain of how to feel. The Brunswickan has gotten in touch with several individuals who chose to preserve their anonymity. They fear that the Muskhive (as in Elon’s Beehive) may doxx them. We have respected their wishes.

“Isn’t indentured servitude too vintage?” Asked an anonymous student. 

Other students choose to approach this question through other lenses: “I mean, I would trade Fredericton for San Francisco, indentured servant or not.” 

The specifics of the program have not been laid out, but experts suggest that one should expect the worst. 

Despite venturing into other areas of business, Elon Musk has found himself in a nostalgic mood. He wants to remind himself of his childhood in South Africa, of his family traditions: he wants to explore emerald mining, just like his father before him. 

“We think that there might be an emerald mine under Tilley Hall,” said one of Musk’s associates. There are no emeralds on the East coast of Canada. Despite the protests of journalists, the man went on: “For this reason, we will be tearing down Tilley Hall. It is an old building, prone to catching fire.”

Indeed, Tilley Hall has caught fire twice this year. But what about the Arts students? 

“We don’t care about them,” the official answered, “they can work in the mines or be unemployed, as they already would be.” 

The possibilities are endless, and the future is hopeful! Officials have also announced that the Faculty of Arts professorial body will undergo intense review, which may or may not result in mass firings. 

“There is nothing that a History Professor can do that an algorithm can’t do better,” posited a totally unbiased, independent researcher. 

Representatives of Musk have also announced that SafeRide will be sponsored by Tesla. All cars will be replaced in the following months — and all drivers fired. 

“The Fredericton campus will host a pilot program of Tesla,” says the representative, “we want to see how well these vehicles perform on UNB’s famous hill.” 

Reporters were puzzled by this proposal. 

“We are not endangering students in any way,” he guaranteed. “What will our state-of-the-art self-driving technology do? Kill them?” 

Maybe it will.