Cover Photo Credit: Graphic drawn by Sara Elbakush
A sign that read “Use of this kitchen is a privilege” was posted outside the UNB dormitory lounges. Higher-ups say it’s because security cannot accurately identify the “ping-pong paddle thief.” The bandit has stolen every paddle from Harrison to Bridges. Assumptions aroused, some wondered if he might strike again… Each renovated building has at least three cameras attached to it—and they still can’t catch ‘em! A source that wished to remain anonymous said they are scared they might be mistaken for the thief and get taken to Room 101.
Regardless of all that, people just want to make their ramen noodles at 1 a.m. while cramming for midterms. Apparently, a few individuals attempted to break back into their own kitchen. Their thought process was, “I already paid for it, and it’s in my contract…”
They were taken out back and gunned down immediately.
UNB initially tried to state that the issue was not the thief, but the radiation of the microwaves. It was actually a safety concern and they were “doing all residents a favour”. They even claimed microwaves had the same amount of radiation as Chernobyl. After everyone saw through this, their PR teams went scrambling back to the drawing board.
Residence Life tried to implement new regulations by creating a new branch of security: the Thought Police. If anyone was thinking about feeling guilty, they must be the thief! This did not work of course; RAs and staff were then accused of being the ping-pong paddle thief. Residents thought that this failure would finally cause the end of this everpresent saga. This was not the case.
Today an email was sent out en masse stating the University would reopen the dormitory kitchens in exchange for student blackmail regarding the paddle thief. Everyone was very excited for a chance to retrieve their rightful kitchen usage, and ratted each other out immediately. However, kitchens are still banned and now everyone is in trouble. All of the residences descended into complete chaos. Bridges had it the worst—the bandit smashed the lights out and left all tables without paddles while everyone was busy accusing each other.
Eventually, Residence Life and the residents supposedly came to a compromise. (This is code for Residence taking full control over the decision.) Now kitchens and lounges have opened back up—but only until 5 p.m. All back doors of residences are locked until further notice, for seemingly no reason. The higher-ups decided that students not eating past 5 p.m.made sense since heroin chic is back in anyway.
Aitken, Harrison, and Neville Jones implemented over 50 extra cameras, but security still could not catch the ping-pong paddle thief. If they can’t catch the bad guys, why is Big Brother always watching, anyway?
Complete the UNB student survey here! Don’t forget to tell them you want your microwaves back.
