The world has unanimously decided that 2020 is a steaming pile of hot garbage, and we are just a bunch of rats wallowing in the rancid filth. But not all is bleak; Hallowe’en is not cancelled in New Brunswick after all. This means it is our responsibility to stay safe, sane, and try out some new ideas for this reinvention of Hallowe’en. Here is my ranking of pandemic activities from worst to best:
7. Host a virtual Hallowe’en party
Spam your friends on Facebook with links to a Zoom meeting, where everyone can get together. You can still dress up, take shots, eat candy, and play fun Hallowe’en games (e.g. host a murder mystery or pumpkin carving contest).
6. Find fun new ways to distribute candy
Kids are inevitably going to come knocking at your door, threatening to pull tricks if they’re not given candy (nasty, greedy things they are) – so why not have a little fun with it?
– Leave individual baggies of candy on a table for kids to grab themselves (with the bonus of not having to interact with them).
– Try creating an elaborate chute from an upstairs window so you rocket down artery-clogging chocolate bars to the masses of sweaty, grabby hands below.
– If you are the asshole that wants to give out healthy treats, you could even dress up like the weirdo you are and chase kids out of your yard, pelting them with apples!
5. Host a virtual pandemic-themed horror movie marathon with all your friends
Pandemics have been a staple of the horror genre for decades. Here is my recommended must-watch list:
– George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead (1978) – Just like our pandemic, but worse!
– 28 Days Later (2002) – A feel-good movie about what life will be like after this is all over.
– The Bay (2012) – A found-footage film about mind-controlling parasites taking over a small town. Sounds like right-wing ideology… fun!
– Contagion (2011) – A must-see Stephen Soderbergh flick that seems to have predicted our current scenario.
– Host (2020) – The first major film taking place amidst the COVID-19 pandemic. It is more ghosts/demons than kidney-eating zombies, but since it takes place entirely through a Zoom meeting, nothing says 2020 horror quite like this.
4. Have a COVID-themed horror movie marathon all by yourself
Watch all the movies recommended above, but don’t invite anyone else! Are you sick of all the schmaltzy talk about how COVID brought everyone closer together? Screw everyone else; grab a tub of oat-milk ice cream and laugh at all the Hollywood gore.
3. Choose not to give candy because you hate kids
I don’t need to say much here; kids spread diseases and are a drain on society. Be extra and sit on your porch, coughing and hacking, and just watch all the neighbourhood kids give your house a wide berth, like you’re the little old witch who lives at the top of the hill.
2. Dress up in costumes every day because social norms don’t matter anymore
Why does it have to be Hallowe’en for you to dress up? Mess with your boss (who makes you work despite the pandemic) by showing up in a different costume every day. Against company policy? Who cares… it’s the end of the world.
1. Take that last step into total nihilism and make a deal with the devil, because why not
Ok, so nothing else on this list is thrilling enough for you? If you’re like me, 2020 has drained every ounce of humanity straight from your asshole and you are screaming at the clouds – cussing out gods. Well someone has your back and their name is Satan! Download a copy of the Grand Grimoire (available free online for your convenience!), offer up your already damned soul, and summon Lucifer to do your bidding.
Maybe this Hallowe’en won’t have the same shenanigans, chocolate sweets, or costumed tomfoolery. That doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun as the world descends into the total chaos of global pandemics, totalitarian fascism, police brutality, and climate catastrophe.
