By: Marlowe Evans
The Brunswickan’s specialty ghost-fighting task force, the Séances in the SUB team, was once again called into action this October to deal with a rather gruesome situation in the University of New Brunswick Student Union Building when a student complained to SUB staff after the severed head of forty-three chickadees appeared out of a glowing circular portal and ruined her Kinesiology homework.
After the incident was investigated by the Homework Police and determined not to be a hoax created as an excuse to get an extension on the assignment, the SITS team was recruited to look into the incident further. Upon closer investigation, it was revealed that each chickadee’s head had been severed using a garrote fashioned out of a shoelace from a limited edition unreleased Hallowe’en Yeezy, only four pairs of which had ever been manufactured.
“I had no idea, but apparently Kanye West sold one of those four pairs to the owner of an unlisted bank account in the Canary Islands,” said newly promoted Séances in the SUB team leader Incé Husain. “I sent one of the reporters to chase some geese out in the Quad, because everyone knows that goose chases always lead to Canary Island bank account holders, and we found out that the bank account belongs to the ghost of MeepMop.”
MeepMop, a distant cousin of Sharkie, the immortal red herring whose soul is bound in a blood pact with The Brunswickan’s Editor-in-Chief (and who happens to be the publication’s mascot), used to haunt the depths of the Mariana Trench, and until this October, was thought to still be in the vicinity of said trench. However, forty-three dead chickadees beg to differ.
“I hired Ms. Husain for a reason. I have complete and utter confidence that she and Ms. Chalker can handle this situation,” said Brunswickan Editor-in-Chief Marlowe Evans. When asked why they are not participating in the exorcism of MeepMop directly, Evans cited the attempted “Ghost News” column. What a moment ago had seemed like complete and total faith in SITS leader Incé Husain and Bounty Hunter/News Editor Taylor Chalker, quickly turned to pessimism in the face of the memory of the failed news piece.
“Does anyone other than me remember what happened when Matt Gracie lost two reporters in a bathroom for six months? Forgive me if I don’t want to miss going to Paris with Jack just so I can catch a glimpse of Sharkie’s dead bird-dissecting cousin.”
When the day came to stop MeepMop, Chalker and Husain arrived at the SUB with chalk, the Holy Grail, candles, and water from the Fountain of Youth. They placed the Grail in the centre of the Atrium, drew a series of sigils, lit the candles, and began sprinkling the water while chanting, “I think chickadees are cooler than fish.” A true Brunswickan séance had begun.
Immediately, a portal appeared, and a translucent herring wielding a scalpel swam into the centre of the Atrium.
“I could tell it was MeepMop,” said Chalker. “Honestly, I thought he was going to be huge and kind of terrifying to look at, like Sharkie, but he just looked like a regular herring except, like, angry.”
A cloud of chickadees gathered at the windows of the SUB and began pecking at the glass, and cracks formed, but Husain and Chalker were too busy dealing with the herring to pay any mind to the birds.
“I was almost worried he wouldn’t go for the Holy Grail, but Sharkie told us that it revives herring and brings them back from the dead, so we figured we should bring it out of Brunswickan storage to lure him into our trap,” said Husain.
“Sharkie was right– once MeepMop saw the Holy Grail, he swam right for it, and as soon as he was low enough I just stepped on him with my specialty ghost-killing boots that I bought after Matt let a ghost eat me in the women’s washroom. MeepMop squealed a little and then dissipated into smoke, and then all the birds left too,” explained Chalker.
The SITS duo cleared up the debris from the séance, packed the Holy Grail back up in its Budlight duffle bag, and headed back to the Bruns office.
* please note The Brunswickan is not liable for any bird-inflicted damages done to the glass panels of the UNB Student Union Building that occurred during paranormal activities *