Daniel S. Burton
The first and most intimate relationship in life is with yourself. Yet, self-love is perhaps the most difficult relationship to develop. Recent studies reveal what many believe: we are experiencing a loneliness epidemic.
I interviewed three students in an attempt to illustrate the state of self-love and relationships on campus. In doing so, I sought to find out if the state of self-love and the desire for relationships contributes to this pervasive loneliness. And, if so, how can we improve our lives?
The student interviews presented two major recurring themes around relationships and loneliness:
1. External validation and social media
2. Self-acceptance, recognition, and progress
Self-love is not easily definable. Each student’s attempt highlighted something different about the process. Collectively, the main points were: being comfortable spending time alone, taking care of yourself, and valuing yourself. For the most part, self-love seemed to go hand-in-hand with self-improvement. “Taking care of yourself” is equally internal as it is external. This, like everything, is a process. It starts with recognition and involves taking steps to improve your happiness while not harming your future self.
Students also made an important distinction between short term versus long term happiness. The most important take-away was that change does not happen overnight; accept and appreciate who you are on a given day and work toward loving yourself more. Tending to your stability, mental well-being, and overall health are not quick-fixes, but are processes that comprise self-love.
People also tend to be hard on themselves. Student C introduced a theme that recurred through the discussions: “it’s really easy to ignore your mental state.” Though no one reported doing so “as much as they should”, all interviewees expressed the importance of self-check-ins. Self-check-ins provide an opening step to recognition and getting yourself on the right track. Generally this was described as taking a moment to stop your life and considering everything happening. Consider what you are doing, how you are feeling, and who you are spending time with. Be aware and rational. Recognize hardship as temporary. Similarly, one may want to ask whether they have done something that makes them happy recently – something many forget. “Make the best of every day. Do something you enjoy,” says student C. Although, “it isn’t easy,” student B admits, “because it requires you to stop and think that you have an issue and you need to solve it.”
This point led to the pressures of university relationships and the desire for partners. Why do we seek partners rather than self-love? Three times out of three, the answer was: “because it’s
easier”. It is easier to seek external validation, letting someone else commit to you, than to commit to yourself.
Social pressures are another factor. The transition into adulthood often emphasizes relationships: graduations, “maturity”, and “experience” all have some expectation of relationships, only perpetuated in the modern day.
“You can’t talk about relationships and self-love without talking about social media,” says student B. Again, things are easier on social media. “People want to socialize… to update people about your life,” says Student A. During COVID, social media caught hold of us, and students speculate we have not broken free. Social media amplifies the ease of short-term versus long-term validation through likes and impersonal interactions.
It has become increasingly easy to avoid seeing or talking to people due to online communication. This fact, students agree, only makes us more isolated and lonely. Social media similarly pushes societal pressure for relationships due to the mass of unrealistic, romanticized couples content that creates a cultural yearning for others’ lives abused to generate wealth on social platforms. “You have the guise of connectedness,” all students said in some way. “But it isn’t the same.”
While loneliness and being alone are different things, they have interplay. Find ways to detach them the best you can; it is healthy to spend time alone. There is no such thing as a permanent solution to loneliness or self-love; however, there are long-term goals. Long-term goals start with enjoying the process, having some idea of where you want to be, and being kind to yourself along the way. Finding a process that works for you can lead to finding self-love, as presented by three students and myself.
