Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.

Dear Sharkie,

What’s the best way to resolve a conflict at work? I work at the puppet factory on Queen Street and I have a stick shoved up my ass the entire time I’m on shift. I have a really hard time getting along with my coworkers, and honestly nobody understands me. My boss just makes blatantly inaccurate statements all the time — I mean it’s pretty obvious that I’m a person and not a puppet. I belong in the puppeteering department, and he just won’t move me! What should I do? I’m reluctant to quit because it’s $20 an hour and I love money more than anything.

Best regards,


Dear Poppy,

It sounds like you have a really tough situation on your hands. I understand wanting to make sure you keep getting that bag, so I agree, unless things get pretty bad, don’t quit. Quitting is for cowards — if you can’t stand working there anymore, see if you can get yourself fired first by doing something really stupid. Then you’ll get a sweet severance package. 

I will say though, you sound kind of whiny. Why doesn’t anyone understand you? Also, why can’t your boss tell that you’re a human being? Am I actually writing to a puppet? This could be a weird Chucky scenario; I’ve had that happen to me before with my ex. 

I think the easiest solution to your problem is to worry less about the physical stick up your ass, and to worry more about the metaphorical stick up your ass. You see? If you really had an issue with your boss you would have filed a complaint with the HR department, like on The Office. I’ve watched that show, I know what an HR complaint is. The point being, you wouldn’t have emailed a herring who usually gives pretty unhinged advice. 

Like I’m going to tell you, if you really want to get switched into the puppeteering department, just show up earlier than your boss one day and go over there and tell them you got transferred. Pretend it’s 2007 and you’re in a Disney Channel movie or something, I don’t know, just wing it. Get to puppeting. Do a really amazing performance for the kids. 

My favourite thing to go see at the Queen Street Puppet Palace out behind the factory is when you guys do that fancy burlesque version of The Muppets (1971) but you add that little Star Wars interlude. Do you know what I mean? It has that bit in the middle where instead of getting strapped into the electric chair, Kermit does like this really beautiful chair number, but it’s all on Tatooine and it has that soundtrack from that scene where Luke was looking at the sky longingly. Very beautiful. 

I think if you can stop being a raging bitch to your coworkers and get them to help you, and you can put on the burlesque Muppets thing with the Star Wars, your boss will be forced to transfer you, because he will see you are perfect for the department. And if you get fired — severance package. Win-win.

Hope that helps.