Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to dearsharkie@thebruns.ca in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice.
Dear Sharkie,
Last week my roommate’s dog bit me while we were having happy happy fun time. Now I’m acting all weird and I’m thirsty all the time. What do I do? I don’t want my roommate to know what I’ve been doing with his lab Sheila while he’s doing his Engg lab.
Sincerely,
Dogboy
Dear Dogboy,
I, under no circumstances, will give you any pity for being bitten. Don’t do “happy happy fun time” with dogs. Dogs are not meant to go in bouncy castles. They could break their little legs! And I see legs as a valuable commodity, being a fish.
In fact, I don’t think people like you should be around dogs. If you gave me just a little bit more evidence, maybe I’d forward your email to the dog equivalent of those cat people from that movie where people don’t mess with cats. You might think you were being nice to Sheila, giving her an alternative for walkies, but dogs like walkies, and they do NOT like bouncy castles. Again, they are VERY dangerous.
As it is, the only advice I am going to give you is as follows:
Move. Move far away from poor Sheila.
Tell your roommate you were playing the bounce-bounce with his dog and to take her to the vet to make sure she’s not hurt. She also might need a check-up on her vaccines. Just a suggestion.
Definitely don’t go to the doctor. I’m glad Sheila bit you. The symptoms you are describing do not sound at all like the onset of rabies. If you start foaming at the mouth, it’s definitely because you’re missing the bounce house. Not because of anything else.
xoxo,
Sharkie
