The best thing about dating today is the wide variety of handsome suitors available at the swipe of a finger. You never know what you are going to get! A racist? A sexist? An unfortunate, completely unsolicited—and slightly grotesque—picture of someone’s genitals? Anything is possible! 

If you are busy, driven and lacking human connection, have no fear! You needn’t be left out today. Your friendly neighbourhood dating app is here to help you find someone that you are completely incompatible with. Plus, if you set your distance on the app to something reasonable, you will likely match with someone thousands of kilometers away! It’s a good thing that we all strive for a long-distance relationship with someone that we will likely never meet, and is probably using stolen pics from a body-builder’s Instagram.

I know you are probably all worrying that nobody will kickoff a conversation with an overused GIF. Boy, do I have news for you! If you have spent your whole life waiting to receive an overused GIF of Joey Tribianni, then you are in luck. Bonus points if you send it yourself, that is SO original! 

Another perk of using an app like Tinder is that you will get to answer the same questions so many times that you will barely have to think about the answers. Favorite movie? Classic. Favourite music? Been there, done that. Why are you on Tinder? If the answer isn’t, “to meet new people and see where it goes,” I give you permission to publicly shame me. 

Everyone on Tinder is interested in your personality, past and forming a concrete bond that will lead to a lifetime of happiness. After all, nobody swipes right for a mediocre sexual encounter followed by total radio silence. 

The best part is, if you do manage to find a relationship, you will feel awkward telling people how you met for the rest of your life. You might as well repress it to the deep, dark corners of your mind, and tell your family that you met at a bar.  

Nothing sounds wrong with any of that! Go forth, lonely students! Download Tinder this Valentine’s Day and subject yourself to this right of passage. It’s not all bad, but it’s certainly very funny. I mean, what’s not to laugh at when someone thinks you’ll be seduced by a picture of a floppy dick?

Keep swiping, my friends.