Aries
January sees new things for Aries. You may get a new car – you may get a kick in the pants. It’s all about perspective. Don’t look a gift kick in the car. It’s a bad deal on Chevrolet in January. Avoid chinos.
Capricorn
Now you, as a Capricorn, may think that this isn’t your season. You are correct. Christmas is your season. Lament that for January. Jesus was a Capricorn, that’s not just PR.
Taurus
Your bad attitude is going to get you in trouble in January. If you would stop being a two-faced pain in the ass, maybe you could have some groovy new connections this new year. But I don’t think so. People think Geminis are the unreliable slimy ones. It’s you.
Virgo
You really are a goof. I don’t know what the matter is, but everyone is about to laugh at you in January. Avoid making financial decisions. You don’t want people to laugh at how you mismanaged the family fortune.
Gemini
I think someone on staff is a Gemini, so our lawyers told me to play nice or I’m going to sleep with the fishes again instead of in the office. Just leave the Gemini section as, “No Comment.”
Cancer
You’re going to get some mad action this January. Kiss kiss, bang bang. Just kidding, you’re Uma Thurman, January is Kill Bill Pt. 2.
Pisces
Watch out fish sign, someone’s going to eat you. By someone, I mean me. I am a herring, not a shark. But some herring (from southern Norway) are both clairvoyants who write funky little horoscopes, and carnivores with a taste for Pisces. Tasty.
Aquarius
You’re full of worms.
Scorpio
January is a good time for Scorpios. You’re getting into new things. Maybe it’s a fun new computer game, maybe you’re cheating on your girlfriend. Just remember that January doesn’t mean no COVID restrictions. Keep booty calls to a minimum.
Leo
You’re going to find $20 on the ground. I give you permission to keep it. Remember to share money with people who give you good advice. And I’m not talking about Dr. Phil, he’s already rich and, according to my aunt Midge, does not actually give good advice on how to rehabilitate penguins.
Sagittarius
January is a good time for Sagittarius. You’re going to meet a beautiful woman who will show you all the nuances of true pleasure. Dairy Queen. Montana’s? Outback Steakhouse.
Libra
My cousin’s mom’s friend Oin was a Libra and he made me go to bed early at Benji’s sleepover back in 1250. So I’m going to say bad things about Libras. Bite your tongue in January!