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Dear Sharkie,

I am not hoarding toilet paper. But I went to buy some yesterday because I RAN OUT and there was none left. I went to Walmart, Superstore, and Sobeys. No toilet paper. I live in an apartment with four other people. 

Please help.

Paper Towel A$$

Dear Paper Towel A$$,

Very sorry to hear about your predicament. As a herring, I have absolutely no need for toilet paper, but I’ve heard that in light of recent events, it’s become a very precious commodity. If you’ve tried the three big stores in Fredericton, here are some fun solutions to your problem.

The next time you feel like you need to go, take a walk over to Odell Park! There are lots of leaves, and I’m relatively sure that there isn’t stinging nettle in New Brunswick? (Please consult your closest forestry student on that one). So if you need to go to the bathroom, just use nature. There are lots of great leaves that are just starting to show up again this time of year—all the great slimy ones that have been stuck under the snow for five months! Perfect toilet paper substitute! Comes with free moisturizer built in.

I also think that there are other methods to trying to buy toilet paper. And I’m not talking about stealing from public restrooms. I’m talking about making an exchange. 

As you’ve heard, there are plenty of Boomers and Karens out there who believe that the only way to survive coronavirus is to hoard toilet paper. Well, if you’re good enough at bartering, then maybe you can convince them to part with part of their precious hoard. All you have to do is find something they like more than toilet paper—this shouldn’t be hard. Just message them on Facebook. For the Boomers, make sure not to use any abbreviations. For the Karens, use lots of emojis. This will set them at ease. Then begin making offers. I’ve heard from friends that they managed to get toilet paper in exchange for mayonnaise, lysol, Nike socks, hand sanitizer, scented candles, essential oils, pickles and Flintstones vitamins.

You can also walk out into the middle of the walking bridge and spit off the side. Most likely, nothing will happen, but one in sixty-three times a small man will appear out on the ice, and will grant you one wish. Wish for toilet paper if you think that’s what you need the most. You could wish for corona time to be over, but hey—no judgement.

I hope that’s helpful Paper Towel A$$. I’m glad I’m not in your shoes. Hope you find something to wipe with.