Send any questions regarding school, university culture, or life in general to in less than 100 words for a chance to gain really bad advice from everyone’s favourite red herring. Disclaimer: Please don’t actually follow this advice. 

Dear Sharkie,

I’ve seen a lot of world war 3 memes lately. What am I going to do if I get conscripted? Are we all going to die?

Your very concerned friend,

Oh the humanity!

Dear Oh the humanity!,

First off, the WWIII memes, have been, in the opinion of this humble herring, absolutely sick. 10/10 quality content—I feel as though I could be writing this in 1938. I think that this type of pessimistic dark humour is a characteristic that our generation (or I guess your generation– herring usually only live about 15 years, but since I’m immortal I don’t belong to a generation) has evolved as a coping mechanism for the fairly bleak world in which we’re stuck.

But don’t worry! You probably won’t be conscripted. Canada has a horribly tangled up past when it comes to issues of conscription, so if we do have a WWIII any time soon, you probably won’t have to worry. At least, not at first. Maybe worry a little bit if you hold an American passport. Canadians with dual citizenship with America are still subject to the draft. Not a big deal for me—they said they don’t have any use for fish in the army… except as rations, which I didn’t want to volunteer as until it became absolutely necessary. 

Let’s all hope that certain presidents, who apparently have less common sense than a fish who runs a newspaper, figure out how to backtrack enough that you won’t have to worry about dying. Well, at least not dying in a war. Everybody except me is dying all the time, and there’s not much to be done about it I’m afraid. Nihilism is really the only comfort I can offer you, my friend. If absolutely nothing has transcendent grounds, then there really is nothing about which to worry. Eat that extra hamburger, leave the lights turned on, who cares? The current political climate and the absolute ravaging of the environment have led to the Doomsday Clock moving its hands—it’s now 100 seconds to midnight, the closest it’s ever been. 

All you humans are going to die. It’s the one thing you’re all consistent with. What I can’t tell you, is when. At least we’ve got some dank memes out of it.