SATIRE: The Last Great Canadian Dynasty: The Scandal Behind UNB’s History Society

Aidan Keenan is a 3rd-year History student. He is known for being the President of the University of New Brunswick’s undergraduate History Society. He also works as a reporter for The Brunswickan, being a prolific contributor to the Arts section. As for themselves, these statements do not command a lot of attention: Keenan sounds like an average (albeit active) member of the Fredericton campus and its community. 

These impressions, however, might be deceiving. Aidan Keenan hides many secrets under his red Jameson hat. None of which is a sentient rat pulling his strings. A word from Tilley Hall suggests that Keenan has a twin brother; nothing outrageous… if his twin brother were not a cat named Gomez. 

The Brunswickan sought answers to these unusual circumstances in the Faculty of Science. 

“Is it a Stuart Little situation?” Asked a 4th-year Biology student, who declares himself pre-med and plans on becoming an ob-gyn. “Giving birth to a cat must be very unpleasant.” 

It gives rise, too, to an interesting question: had Gomez made biscuits on Aidan Keenan inside their mother’s uterus? Some students expressed sadness that they were unable to see that ultrasound.

Behind this bizarre tale lies a sad backstory. Aidan, the human, and Gomez, the cat, were separated at birth. Despite the undeniable differences between them, they are still identifiable as twin brothers. Among the shared traits is an odd habit: the inclination to eat sheet metal. Very few individuals, human or feline, can say that they enjoy this forbidden delicacy. 

The intersection between the twin’s habits motivated an inquiry into nature vs. nurture. They had, after all, been raised separately. Scholars of UNB’s Department of Psychology assume that their enjoyment of sheet metal was inherited from their parents, presumably their mother. That is when the story gets more convoluted.

Historical evidence points to Jackie Kennedy, the widow of American president John F. Kennedy, as being their mother. A representative of the Department of History is excited about this discovery. 

“With the help of an American student, we were able to dig into the Kennedy archives,” claims an enthusiastic professor. “It is a thrilling, historically significant discovery that could only be made here, at UNB.” 

Bradley Garlie, a fourth-year Joint Honours student of History and Law & Society, is credited with those discoveries. He states that a letter attests to the parentage of Aidan and Gomez. 

“The Kennedy family holds many secrets,” Garlie explains, “this letter had been hidden for a long time.”

“It is a shame that I must give up my dear children, Aidan and Gomez,” wrote Jackie, “but it must be done.” What did Jackie intend with this surrender? Garlie considers many possibilities: “Perhaps she meant to rid her children of the Kennedy curse, or she feared the scandal of giving birth to a cat.” It is even uncertain whether their father is JFK or not. 

Other issues arise from their parentage. “How are Aidan and Gomez still alive and young?” Asks Garlie. “Are they vampires? Did they fold space and time?” So many unanswered questions. Only time will tell.

The Brunswickan reached out to Aidan Keenan and Gomez Chalker, but they denied comment.