Spring is in the air, but it’s not pollen affecting the sinuses of some of Fredericton’s citizens. It’s cocaine.

The Fredericton Police Department raided the Twenty/20 Club last Friday night and were shocked at what they discovered. “The air was white with all the cocaine floating around the place,” recalls FPD officer Gary P. Officerman. “One of my buddies inhaled too deep and went on a 30 minute rant about how Patrick Bateman in American Psycho was cinema’s greatest protagonist.” 

The FPD seized an undisclosed amount of cocaine and made a total of 32 arrests. “We were not expecting this kind of bust,” Officer Officerman told me. “The boys and I were a bit bored, y’know, we had already cleared the homeless people out of the park, so there we were on a Friday night with nothing to do. So we figured why not sit out by the Twenty/20 in case we can bust someone, make sure people are all drinking of age and have some laughs. We were not expecting to bring down a whole coke ring.”

The Brunswickan talked to an anonymous UNB student who was there the night of the raid. “It was crazy, man. A bunch of cops busted in and started yelling sweet nothings. I don’t even think they said any actual words, it was mostly grunting,” they explained. “They had us all up against the wall and were frisking everyone. One guy from my Econ class had a whole block of cocaine in his pocket – he could have gone to prison for years but the cop saw he was white and he got off with a warning.” 

After the ordeal was over, an interesting phenomenon was seen on UNB‘s campus. The upper year business classes were inexplicably empty. Only a few students were present. Not only that but a mysterious cold that seemed to continually plague business students had all but vanished. The sniffling at Singer Hall had been silenced. I went into the business lounge to find out what was going on, but when I arrived the place was dead, save for a lone tumbleweed and a shrine dedicated to Jordan Belfort. After praying to the gods of business and misogyny, a lone business student emerged from the hallway. My prayers were answered!

I asked the student if they knew of any connection between the cocaine bust at the Twenty/20 Club and the absence of business students on campus. Their eyes grew large and they immediately turned away, sprinting down the hallway. It will all remain a mystery until the court dates later this spring.