I’ll hand it to you. For an English graduate, you’re one hell of an awful writer. Let me explain something: there’s a difference between it’s and its. For example: it’s (as in ‘it is’) a reality that you will never make six figures. The cash and power belongs to its (as in the possessive) rightful owner (me).
Now, you’ve really slung some shit. You got this column and the power went to your head faster than a law dean’s resignation. I mean, good for you. I am glad to know students can still say the words “ignorant” and “tenure.”
Now, I am going to let everything you said this year slide. Why wouldn’t I? Why do you think I have Toby Sacko at my beck and call? He reads them for me and then tells me nothing of what they actually say.
I don’t actually have any idea of what I am responding to. Let’s see. So I make a lot of money. I mean, a lot of money. I am not kidding. Micah, have you seen the house I live in? My socks cost more than your textbooks for an entire year. What’s wrong with that? I’ve earned it. I’ve earned the right to cushion my wage with tuition increases. Students have loans. By the time they even think about paying them off, I will be kicked back in the Keys sipping Goldschlager.
A large portion of the university said something about not having confidence in my leadership. Who. Fucking. Cares. I don’t need their confidence. As long as they keep renewing my contracts, I keep making my money and re-envisioning the university in my image.
Let me give you some tips about being a great leader, Micha. Not that you’ll ever be one, but whatever.
- Never respond directly to anything. Always, always make sure everything you say is so entirely vague that no one even knows what you’re responding to.
- Make sure you surround yourself with people as cut off from the community you lead as you are. If they are connected in any way, that means they will criticize you and let me tell you, that gets damn annoying.
- Don’t stop at completely ruining an organization. Make sure you haul up its most established policies, laws, and goals. Everyone will get pissed, but you get to watch House of Cards and think about how much you’re like Frank Underwood.
- Education is for the weak. Money is for the powerful.
- Have an inflated sense of self. This will shelter you from criticism no matter how harsh.
I could tell you more, but I don’t want to give everything away. You can read the rest of my advice in my upcoming memoir, Eduardo Camel: Making Money, Taking Names, and Other Presidential Stuff.
I am getting tired. I think I need to cut this off here. It’s been a ride. If nothing else, you’re gone and I am still standing. Listen Mika, I ain’t no holla back girl.
All the best for your future failures,