An investigation by the Brunswickan has discovered that UNB administration spent more than $315,000 on emergency recruiting efforts for the law school following this year’s faculty crisis.
Efforts have yielded a total zero new students, however, as no one is allowed to talk about it.
A memo sent from UNB admin to law students this week simply stated: “The first rule of UNB law: You do not talk about UNB law.”
When approached by the Brunswickan for comment on the fact that UNB had spent hundreds of thousands of tuition dollars on what has virtually amounted to nothing, UNB spokesman Davin Rockhome first tried to deny the allegations.
“What do you mean ‘emergency recruitment’? We’re doing just fine. Just — totally fine,” said Rockhome, his voice echoing in an empty lecture hall in Ludlow Hall during regularly scheduled class hours.
When shown the figure acquired by a Right to Information request — which UNB previously reported as a total of $3.15 – Rockhome sighed and confessed to the massive expenditure.
“It involved personnel matters, okay?” said Rockhome, before adding, “Could you just, like, not say anything about it, though?”
Since publishing this story online, the Brunswickan has received a response from the Law Students’ Society.
“This is terrible reporting. It happened, but that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it,” said Eel Français.
When a Brunswickan reporter asked him is he thought the present circumstances would hurt the law school’s reputation, Français turned and ran with his hands over his ears.
“Nah nah nah I can’t hear you!” he shouted. “Everything’s fine — just shut the fuck up.”