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Six life hacks for parking on campus

Half of success is attendance. Half of attendance is finding a parking space. Follow these easy tips and you’ll be one quarter of your way to success.

  1. The “Buzzard”

Like a vulture trying to sink its beak into some of that sweet, sweet carrion, it always helps to menacingly circle the parking lot. Remember: unforgiving vigilance is your friend.

Pro Tip: Any actual carrion you find is a bonus.

  1. Think outside the box.

When you realize parking laws are more guidelines than actual laws, a whole world of parking possibilities opens up to you.

Pro Tip: A little yellow paint goes a long way.

  1. Negotiate

Find the owner of an already parked car. Offer them your valuables. Bargain, plead and beg for their spot. If nothing works, sit next to them and whisper demoralizing truths into their ear until they leave.

Pro Tip: “You haven’t paid your student loans” works on just about anyone.

  1. The “C-51”

Monitor your peer’s parking habits closely. Very closely. Intercept anyone who will, or even may, commit an act of parking.

Pro Tip: Eduardo Camel will soon be issuing warrants that allow Charter of Rights breaches.

  1. Lay claim to your spot.

Finding a spot is hard, so when you do, there’s no rush to leave! Live out of your car, claim squatter’s rights and watch the spotless fools go by.

Pro Tip: Subletting your back seat is a great way to cut back on the ticket fees you’ll accumulate.

  1. Expand your options.

This one takes a bit of preparation. Find a wooded area on campus. Clear the land of trees and shrubs. Level and flattened the soil. Install base course. Pave over with three inches of asphalt. Enjoy your new parking space!

Pro Tip: This one is not best left to the month before you need the spot.

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