It’s 8:30 p.m. and here I am back to where I was all those years and pounds ago: face-down in apple pie drenched in tears. I can’t believe my own coach called me a fatass. I thought this type of harassment would end when my obesity did. I swear I’ll be treated like this no matter what I accomplish.
It’s 9 p.m. and I’ve escaped self harm for another few hours. I still don’t understand what it takes to earn some respect. Everyone’s so cruel. I just want to be thin. I know where my thoughts are heading, and I need to run. I need to open the door, not the fridge. I always told myself when things got hard to always think it through one more time. I’ll show the world what a fatass can do.
It’s 9:30 p.m. now and tears are frozen to my face. Shorts and a T shirt don’t help the ice pellets scraping up my legs as I trot through waist-high snow and frozen puddles. Truthfully, this doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as the insult does. My legs hurt and so do my lungs, but I can’t stop cause then he’ll win. No matter how hard I work, I will still be pathetic to some people, but I’ll keep going for reasons I can’t remember.
10 p.m. and I tried to stop four times already. A voice in my head keeps repeating, “everything’s going to be okay.” Then something happens when I pass a group of people who I first think are going to make fun of me the way most people do.
Cheering my name, extending their arms for a high five and encouraging me with every step closer I got, it was a group of hockey girls I was friends with. I don’t know why fate put them on that street at the exact moment I ran it, but their encouragement reminded me not everyone mistreats you. It’s amazing how far a little support will go. For the rest of the night I wanted to hug and thank each of them, but I had an incredible moment waiting. I never told them, but they saved my life.
10:30 p.m. and I realize I’m not a fatass. Those words of encouragement, and the fact I’m still going with a peaceful smile on my face has taught me that some people I will never impress. Realistically, they’re the ones that I don’t wish to impress. Maybe he’ll call me fatass again, and maybe I’ll drop more pounds. One of these is within my control, one isn’t. I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. This is the best night of my life. That man no longer means anything to me. I’ll remember the encouragement 10 years from now more than the insult.
11 p.m. I can’t believe two hours ago I let a man who puts down his own athletes make me feel like my own life was not worth living. Those girls were incredible. Though that moment took place for less than 10 seconds of my life, I’ll never forget them for that. This fatass just ran 18k through hell and back. Telling yourself, “it’s going to be okay” pushes you lengths that are astounding. It could have been the worst night of my life and what led me back to obesity. Instead, it led me on an amazing journey and one of the best nights of my life.
“Don’t worry about those who talk behind your back, they’re behind you for a reason.” – Anonymous
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