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SPOOF: UNB gets a new parking space

By: ANAL

UNB Security is once again tackling the parking problem on campus, but this time it looks like they may be making positive improvements.

“It came to our attention last week that there may not be enough parking spaces on campus,” said Roger Bruceson, director of campus security.

“I’m surprised we’re only hearing of this issue now. We’ve always just assumed no news is good news. Nonetheless, we’re tackling this head-on and are attempting to add additional parking on campus immediately.”

The proposed parking area will be located in the McLeod residence parking lot. A total of one parking space will be added over the coming weeks with an additional one planned to be added in the next six years.

“We feel these two parking spaces will not only solve our apparent parking issue here at UNB but will ultimately give students more incentive to give us money for parking passes, now knowing they’ll actually have somewhere to park,” Bruceson said.

“It’s a win/win situation.”

The parking spaces are going to be created in what is currently a giant open paved surface. The surface, roughly the size of Chipman, N.B., should be able to accommodate the two planned spaces, however UNB vice-president academic Tod Billen thinks issues could arise.

“The space planned for these new spaces might not be suitable for parking. I’m not sure why. Something about dinosaur bones,” added Billen. “I’ve just been advised to disagree with things that might make student life better, y’know? It’s part of the rules when you have ‘VP’ in front of your name. However, once we determine how much money these spaces might bring in, my position on the issue may change, y’know? We like the kids spending money.”

The new parking issue is being brought to the UNB Board of Governors and we expect to see these new spaces likely never.

“The university just needs to determine what is in the students’ best interest before we proceed. We’re just putting students first,” Billen said.

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