By: Lou Zappa
The provincial government has announced that last September’s stapled condom fiasco on campus was in fact incited by them in an attempt to increase the province’s population.
“Look, we all know the province’s horny kids can’t control themselves,” said the deputy minister of population growth. “We had to try and make the most of one of the province’s greatest natural resources: its incompetent youth.”
However, the ploy was not as effective as they thought. By June 30, it is estimated that only 50 babies will have been born as a result. However, most of the soon-to-be parents have already left to live in Fort McMurray.
“Honestly, me and my hubby saw it as a blessing,” said Suzy Superstar, a first-year impregnated by the faulty condoms. “We were going to move to Fort McMurray anyway, but now we will be making more money sooner, even with a screaming and pooping infant.”
Other students affected saw their pregnancy as a way to fame, like Jamie Jones, who isn’t quite sure who the father is.
“I really think this is a great opportunity for me to move to the U.S.,” Jones said. “I already have plans to appear on an episode of Maury Povich.”
While acknowledging that one of the only things to do in this province is have sex, government officials admitted their plan was poorly executed.
“It’s clear that New Brunswick’s youth wasn’t as stupid as we thought,” the deputy minister. “But hey, we allow their tuition to go up all the time and they do nothing
. . . so do you blame us for trying?”
Now, the government is heading back to the drawing board.
“We will continue working on new and innovative ways to increase our population,” the minister said.