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SPOOF: UNB takes $100 prize money from student

By: Charlie Lezwis

UNB has claimed a $100 prepaid Visa gift card won by a student in a residence challenge.

The university is arguing that since it was won on the university property, it belongs to them.

“Due to all the risk the university has, we have to do everything we can to save money,” said UNB vice-president finance, Dan Furry. “Even students have to make sacrifices.”

This event comes shortly after the university claimed the treasure won by three UNB students after a grizzly encounter with actual dragons on CBC’s show Dragons’ Den, arguing intellectual property rights.

“You can’t screw some students over and not others,” said Furry. “That creates an unhealthy learning environment and that’s not what we want to portray.”

However, Lance Grover, the student who won the card, said he has sacrificed enough for UNB.

“I already gave up eating any nutritious meals to pay my tuition. I’m pretty sure I have tapeworms now from eating all these Mr. Noodles,” Grover said.

“I was going to use that gift card to pay my power bill, and maybe buy a nice meal . . . but like, that’s fine, the darkness in my apartment reflects the darkness in my soul since coming here.

But Furry said he is done with hearing students’ excuses for not supporting the university’s core mission: to save money for risks that won’t even happen.

“We’re already cutting $1.2 million from the faculties; where else are we going to cut? Asking the students to make sacrifices is the next logical economic step,” Furry said.

When the Bumswickan asked Furry about the possibility of cutting his own salary, or cutting administration in general, he responded by putting his fingers in his ears and yelling “NAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

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