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SPOOF: UNB barking up the Tony tree

By: Quackadilly Blip

The University of New Brunswick has a new face on campus, and a new name on their sports teams’ jerseys come next fall.

The newly-renamed UNB Bulldogs will be taking on the Atlantic University Sport (AUS) competition in place of the Reds name that has stuck with the university for more than 100 years. Along with the name-change comes the addition of UNB’s new mascot, Tony Baker, who will lead the Bulldog name for years to come.

Athletic director John Richard, who proposed the name-change to a board of athletic advisors, marketers, and coaches for the university last week, said that the Varsity Reds name just needed a revamp.

“UNB has always been a school with a very high respect for tradition, but sometimes changes are needed and fresh faces are slotted in,” said Richard.

He also touched on Tony adjusting to mascot life.

“We couldn’t be happier with Tony’s commitment level, but Tony is demanding. We had to get three different interior decorators and change his office five times before he seemed comfortable in it.”

Brent Baker, the men’s head basketball coach, and owner/best buddy of UNB’s new favourite face, is just as excited about Tony’s opportunity as Tony himself.

“He really is a special pup,” said Baker. “He loves the spotlight, and it’s like he doesn’t realize he’s that big a deal, when in fact he is.”

Even though most athletes are very on-board with the name and mascot change, coaches seem to have mixed emotions about the modification.

“We changed the name to what?” inquired men’s volleyball head coach Dan McMorran. “We’re changing the name to Bulldogs . . . and I already ordered new jerseys for next year with Varsity Reds on them. Whose idea was this?”

Initial dismay was very understandable, but after coach McMorran heard that Tony Baker would be the new Bulldog mascot, he decisively warmed up to the idea. Other coaches around the Currie Center [sic] have their own opinion on the subject.

Women’s volleyball head coach Jill Goulet loves the idea of the teams being named Bulldogs.

“I love having Tony around as part of the UNB family,” said Goulet. “Seeing him waddle up and down the halls of the Currie always brightens my day.”

Women’s basketball head coach Jeff Speedy, who will also be seeing more of Tony around the Currie Center [sic], declined to comment on the subject but is rumoured to be euphoric about our latest figurehead, and has been sneaking Tony dog treats regularly.

When asked how he felt about his new role as mascot for UNB, Tony, salivating, was simply speechless during a press conference on Friday. Obviously UNB’s new favorite canine is a man of little words, but is drooling over his bright future.

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