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SPOOF: Student shanked by Mem Hall ghost

By: The Pizza Whisperer

A student in the small-but-fierce UNB music program is claiming to have been stabbed in the thigh by a ghost in Memorial Hall.

Many have heard the rumours of ghosts that can be seen in Mem Hall late at night, but until now the ghosts have been described as benevolent, albeit spooky.

“I was alone in Mem late Thursday night practising my euphonium,” said music student and shankee Kenneth J. Alford. “I’ve heard all the stories before — alone in the building at night, you see someone walk by you, and when you turn back they’ve disappeared. But I never for a moment thought that it could be true.”

Alford described the experience as “traumatic.”

“I was walking in the creepy basement when I came upon a tiny Frenchman with an odd glow about him. His clothes were nothing like what you’d wear today —he didn’t even have Ray Bans on.”

The supposed specter was dressed in colonial-era clothing, but it was unclear whether it was a very old ghost or someone who died getting ready for a play.

The ghost — affectionately nicknamed Pierre by students —did not respond to any of Alford’s questions, instead giving him a blank stare.

“Without warning, the tiny man pulled out a tiny knife and shanked me right in the leg. I limped the fuck out of there and got help. Now, no one believes me and I’m being accused of telling lies.”

Mem Hall is scheduled to be phantom-phumigated during the Witching Hour, and Alford has been sentenced to write “I must not tell lies” 5000 times with some sort of bewitched pen.

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