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SPOOF: The Penis Monologues is cumming to campus

By: Troy Allorn

Are you passionate about your penis?

Sure of your schlong?

Boastful ‘bout your bratwurst?

If so, you’re not alone; and for the first time in history, you can show it off to the world (your pride ¬— not your penis).

University of New Brunswick men who worship their wangs are banding together to launch a theatrical response to Eve Ensler’s acclaimed play, The Vagina Monologues, with plans to bring it to campus this fall.

“After years of sitting idly by while the University Women’s Centre flaunts their vaginal vigour with the annual Vagina Monologues, the University Men’s Centre has finally chosen to take a stand,” said Richard Johnson, president of the UNB University Men’s Centre.

“We feel the best way to do this is by writing and performing a counterpart to The Vagina Monologues — The Penis Monologues.”

Johnson’s argument is that “penises deserve to be celebrated, too.”

He said that, similar to The Vagina Monologues, The Penis Monologues will feature a series of short spiels delivered by various UNB students that will portray different facets of the male experience.

Every male-oriented challenge, from having to wear stupid condoms to living life with a micro-penis, will be explored.

“It’s all about equality,” said Johnson.

“Penises have gone through just as many — if not more — struggles and adversities than vaginas, and I don’t see why we shouldn’t give them the spotlight to express that, too.”

When asked by The Bumswickan whether he fully understood the concept of The Vagina Monologues — to finally give a voice to the innermost thoughts of women in a world dominated by male identity, both on and off the stage — Johnson fidgeted for several long moments before launching into a rant about the challenges of having a chode.

Johnson is calling all those passionate about their peckers to join in the phallic fun by auditioning for The Penis Monologues this September.

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