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SPOOF: New UNB program to focus on YouTube cats

By: Leonardo da Vinci

Who says a leadership degree can’t take you places?

Just ask Zelma Carey, who, only five years after graduating from UNB’s prestigious Renaissance College, has managed to parlay her bachelor of philosophy in interdisciplinary leadership studies into a lucrative key-holder position at a local Starbucks.

“Renaissance College takes the best aspects of a great tradition and combines them with new and exciting methods of education,” explained Carey as she blended a Venti mocha latte for an impatient soccer mom.

“Their focus on the Socratic method, based on the Oxford-Cambridge mentorship model, really guides me in my day-to-day life”, said the 27-year-old barista whose most challenging task that day was counting off the $325 deposit at the end of her shift.

In today’s competitive job market, where practical skills and real-world experience are paramount, a degree in theoretical leadership studies can pay for itself tenfold. At Renaissance College, students undergo intense artistic training, such as the carving of wooden spoons — a symbol of the tools they will bring to bear when challenging the corporate world. Leaders-to-be are also sent on a stimulating trip overseas, where they change lives by assembling plywood huts and distributing complimentary UNB T-shirts to the indigenous population, Carey claimed.

“We were able to apply a multiliterate paradigm in order to professionally cultivate distinctive leadership skills, while seamlessly innovating end-to-end niches and energetically meshing parallel e-business with team-driven benefits,” she said while sweeping crushed coffee beans from the floor.

Renaissance College has cracked the secretive leadership market through their groundbreaking curriculum. By allowing students to “become leaders in whatever career they choose,” they can achieve massive success previously reserved only for those who attend motivational speaking sessions held at bingo halls.

When informed of Renaissance College’s astonishing placement results, one local transient outside Starbucks stated: “By God, why didn’t I think of that? I could have become a great leader of men by simply taking a course on Culture Studies. Now I live on the street and share my pants with three other men. It’s not ideal.” He then paused to vomit in public view.

As Carey paused from cleaning the coffee shop toilet for a smoke break, squatting on a milk crate in the frigid March weather, she mused on how far her leadership degree has taken her in life.

“Renaissance College offered me internships at community organization projects — I was able to experience the crushing shame of giving my labour away for free before I even graduated,” she said proudly. When asked if she was planning to move up to a senior position at Starbucks, she replied that such a position required actual leadership experience.

“Plus, my boyfriend is about to graduate with a history degree,” she said. “So we’re pretty much set for life.”

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