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SPOOF: Morlocs found in tunnels under UNB campus

By: Greyback Loup

Feelings of shock and fear swept the UNB campus after it was finally discovered that what lies behind UNB’s numerous “Caution: Asbestos” signs are more than just deadly minerals.

As it turns out, they hide an old campus secret more terrifying than anyone could ever imagine.

On March 21, freshman Ricky Atodaso was heading back to his residence building late at night when he saw a dark figure snatch up another student who was stumbling back to residence from the SUB.

Atodaso followed the perpetrator into Tilley Hall, where he lost sight of it heading through a door marked “Asbestos, do not enter.”

Further investigation into this matter has revealed that behind the marked doors are a network of tunnels and hallways underneath the campus, home to a group of subterranean humanoids called Morlocs.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Atodaso, who came to the tunnel with a friend to investigate. “I even know the guy they took. His name was Sam. I was at the Cellar talking with him not thirty minutes before they got him. It’s too bad — he owes me money.”

Further investigation has revealed similar occurrences dating as far back as 40 years ago. Five students disappear from the freshmen class every semester, the disappearances being explained – or assumed – as dropouts.

Naturally, the issue was brought up with campus security.

“We’ve never gotten wind of this happening before,” said James Lahey from campus security. “I can’t believe that this has been going on for so long unchecked.”

Atodaso’s friend Julian Tremblay, who went into the tunnels with him, was just as shocked.

“At first we couldn’t see anything; all we heard was the pattering of feet,” said Julian. “We didn’t want to be eaten too so we ran out of there. I guess they can’t come out into the light because as soon as we came out the door they stopped chasing us.”

Tremblay, who saw the creatures with the light of his cell phone, described them as small, humanoid forms with arms like orangutans and black, leathery skin.

After the terrible ordeal was uncovered, The Bumswickan was able to talk with one of the creatures and uncover the workings of their sadistic network.

“We have been here for as long as I can remember,” the Morloc said. “We always take the ones living in the school, because their minds are slow when they’re coming back drunk from the place you call the Cellar. The school makes them nice and fat for us.”

UNB president Phil Collins could not be reached for comment and it’s unclear as to whether this was a surprise to everybody or the administration knew all along.

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