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SPOOF: McConnell Hall to be demolished and rebuilt six feet to the left

By: The Pizza Whisperer

In a move to better serve UNB students, the campus’s main meal hall is being completely demolished and rebuilt six feet to the left.

This project is the second stage in a move to make small changes to campus infrastructure in efforts to improve their effectiveness. The first project was December’s $100,000 relocation of the Currie Center’s front desk. [Editor’s note: This actually happened. They literally spent a hundred thousand dollars to make the desk face a different direction. See our Dec. 4 issue for all the deets.]

Facilities Management director Aaron Carter said of the renovation, “We’re excited to see this happen with McConnell Hall. I know students have been waiting for this change for a long time, and now it’s finally becoming a reality.”

“Moving the meal hall six feet to the left will really benefit students,” said director of RLCCS, Sally Cleavage. “They will have better access to the building and it will streamline the whole process.”

When the Bumswickan roamed the halls of Lickmy Beaver Residence, they were met with opinions opposing those of the university’s administration.

“What the fuck?!” said one of the McDonald twins — we’re not sure which.

“No but, how does this actually benefit students?” inquired the other. “I have no idea how this is going to help us in any way. It’s a total waste of time and money.”

Carter maintains that the change is mandatory to help facilitate student access the meal hall. This project will cost approximately $16 million and will result in a tuition hike so large that it will even affect alumni.

UNB’s next step is to convert the seven women’s washrooms in Head Hall to men’s washrooms, resulting in a total of 18 for men. This is to better serve the majority of the population in the building.

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