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SPOOF: Dear Ari.

By: Ari

Dear Ari,
I am a cool person and I like to meet other cool people, so sometimes I have parties in the SUB for cool people. I even offer free drinks to show how cool I am! But no one is showing up and that makes me sad!! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Coolguy Tony

Dear Coolguy,
Have you thought of spiking those drinks? A little bit of peace punch can really tone down tensions.
Try putting out a survey of how UNB students define coolness. Become a carbon copy of that. Quote popular rap music. The kids like rap music. Learn to twerk (you’ll only be a few months behind). Take selfies and togethersies and be sure to post them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. You should also download Tinder. If ANYBODY at all is interested in meeting you, you’ll find out there.
Try spray painting your face on the walls of all buildings, and tag it with “Tuesdayz with Tony”. That will definitely get everyone’s attention. You’re welcome for the clever event title.
Most importantly, give people money. Money buys happiness and friends.
Affectionately,
Ari

***

Dear Ari,
My boyfriend says I should not ask a newspaper columnist for relationship advice. I think I should though. How do we resolve this disagreement?
Sincerely,
Ironic Irma

Dear Ironic,
Your time would have been much better spent actually asking a newspaper columnist for advice. Your boyfriend is wrong. I’ve heard of this wonderful up-and-coming student columnist who is currently attending the University of New Brunswick, and she has changed the lives of many for the better. She would give you great advice I’m sure. You should probably break up with your boyfriend, as he clearly doesn’t support your beliefs.
Affectionately,
Ari

***

Dear Ari,
Will you marry me?
Sincerely,
Future Mr. Dear Ari (hopefully)

Dear Future,
Are you Jewish?
Will you read me poetry in deep dulcet tones?
Like, do you have a car?
Will you make a lot of money?
Will you attend plays and musicals with me?
Have you ever seen the rain?
Will you watch every Tom Hanks movie with me over and over again, and assist me in my dream to one day encounter him?
DO YOU LIKE CATS? Enough to own one or ten?
If you have answered yes to all of these questions, you may forward your resume and cover letter to arts@thebruns.ca. Please include a photo.
Tentatively,
Ari

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