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SPOOF: Campus security gets hot new ride

By: Don Draper

UNB Security, A.K.A. the Red Hornets announced last Friday the purchase of a high-speed interceptor vehicle for the Fredericton campus. The vehicle, from Ferrari, is part of a new line of specialty vehicles for police and fire departments.

“The vehicle, known as Tim Hortons Cruiser (THC), will cut off-campus DST, or donut-seeking time, in half,” said Lief Erikson, director of campus security. “Why, with this thing we can be downtown, through Tim’s drive-thru and back before anyone knows we’re gone.”

Recent studies have shown that campus security forces, just like regular police departments, need to be properly caffeinated, so the THC is just a small part of bringing UNB’s security force into the 21st century.

“We can’t have them sitting around all day brewing coffee ‘cause that’s against Sodexo’s contract,” Erikson said.

The new vehicle is all about campus security having a more positive presence on campus.

“Why, with this baby, everyone’s going to be looking at us, plus the chicks are going to love it,” Erikson said.

“Oh yeah baby, chicks dig the car.”

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