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SPOOF: Kraken unleashes shit on president’s new porch

By: Dick Furray

It’s a big Code Brown at 238 Waterloo Row.

Despite a forewarning from UNB student hacktivists, the Kraken was spotted emerging from the St. John River in the early morning yesterday. It crossed onto the nearly 200-year-old property and took a shit on Eddy Campbell’s recently-renovated porch.

Drunk students quickly took to Spotted at UNB’s Facebook page and live-spotted the happenings.

“Spotted: a $160,000 turd on Eddy Campbell’s porch,” wrote one student. “What the hell did Miriam Jones feed that thing?”

Crisis response units were dispatched to the Somerville house but the Kraken had slipped back into the depths before anybody could get there.

In addition to defecating all over the property, the Kraken left a note on the side of the house in black ink but unfortunately it was incomprehensible.

“We don’t understand the language!” said one AUNBT member. “We should have comparability to other messages the Kraken has left in the past.”

But now, somebody has to clean it up. Students spotted AFIMAC security vans around the property during the incident but the hired private security professionals just sat there laughing and did absolutely nothing.

The Bumswickan obtained a contract between the University and AFIMAC through a Right to Information request which revealed the security company also doubles as a clean-up crew and will be responsible for cleaning up the feces.

The estimated damage to the property is valued at $160,401.52, which will be covered by the university, though officials argue it’s the AUNBT who should pick up the tab.

“If they had just realized we have no money this never would have happened,” said secretary to the assistant of the financial advisor interim for the vice-president of historical landmarks P-Mac.

“They say this whole thing is about language but let’s face it; UNB isn’t exactly known for its linguistic skills. Look at the spelling mistake on the Currie Center [sic].”

During the six-week renovations, UNB president Eddy Campbell will be rooming with Bumswickan opinions columnist Richard Kemick.

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