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SPOOF: Club Death Eaters

By: Tintin Stalin

A new chapter of a world-renowned club is coming to UNB — and they are sure to leave a deathly fun mark on the campus.

The UNB Death Eaters is a new club that has landed in Fredericton, a long way away from their original chapter at Great Britain’s Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

“We’ve decided to start branching out, as we believe there are some really strong potential members at UNB,” said Lucius Malfoy, Hogwarts chapter’s treasurer. “We are already working with some top administrators to get our message across this campus.”

Their inaugural event was a mask-making party for current and new members. Among the participants were some of UNB’s top administrators. However, when asked for a comment, they responded with a hiss and vanished into thin air.

“Some of our events are still under wraps but we hope to bring some of our Hogwarts events to UNB,” said Bellatrix Lestrange, Hogwarts chapter’s vice-president.

One of the discussed events will be a large maze where participants will be asked to duel an evil wizard upon its completion.

Another event will be a campus-wide capture the flag match with a twist. A member who went by the pseudonym LilyEyes5 described it in a leaked email to the Bumswickan.

“It’s like capture the flag, but instead of a base we just destroy your campus in the search for one student that everyone must defend,” she wrote.

“I know how it must sound, and yes, it will be amazing,” said Lestrange in response to the Bumswickan’s leaked information.

The Hogwarts chapter is looking for a few key members to round out the new executive and become a driving force in their overall mission and vision.

“We want strong-minded people who are not against wrist tattoos, long robes, questionable hair choices and dark colours,” said Malfoy.

Marc Gauvin, the UNBSU vice-president who handles clubs and societies on campus, spoke highly of the new club.

“They are awesome! We had a short talk in my office and we seem to all have the same future goals, which are what student clubs are great for,” said Gauvin. “They even gave me this bitchin’ wrist tattoo when I told them that I’d join their group.”

Ben Whitney, the UNBSU president seemed a bit skeptical at first, but reassured students that it was a great addition to the university.

“Let’s be honest, we pretty much accept any club with a constitution,” Whitney said.

At the time of publication, the president of the Hogwarts chapter was unavailable for comment due to prior time commitments. The explanation for this, as posted on their official website, shows their dedication to students, which is something the UNB chapter hopes to bring to College Hill.

“We’re tracking down one student and fulfilling the prophecy,” it said.

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